Funny Quotes , Some Funny Facts:

Funny Quotes , Some Funny Facts:

1

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no   theories. — John Wilmot 

 2

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t   smart enough to get out of jury duty. — Norm Crosby 

 3

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get   smart just in time to ask questions? — Scott Adams 

 4

If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that   history teaches us. — Anon 

 5

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning   to believe it. — Clarence Darrow 

 6

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can  shorten it. — Cullen Hightower 

 7

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself     deny it. — H. L. Mencken 

 8

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. ― Marilyn Monroe 

 9

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul                           ― George Bernard 

 10

Shaw Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ― Mae West 

 11

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.     ― Hedy Lamarr 

 12

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. ― Mark Twain

13

Don't be so humble - you are not that great. ― Golda Meir 

 14

I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words   together. ― Charles Dickens 

 15

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and  my wife. ― Rodney Dangerfield 

 16

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my   age, I don't even buy green bananas." ― Claude Pepper 

 17

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on   a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. ― Albert Einstein 

 18

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. ― Milton Berle 

 19

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.   A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ― Lana Turner

20
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.  ― Joey Adams

21
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety- seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. ― Ellen DeGeneres

22
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.                                      ― Robert Benchley 

 23

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick  their sanitation gloves are. ― Jarod Kintz 

 24

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow   for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!! ― Bill Watterson

25

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see   with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. ― Dave Barry 

 26

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and   for the same reason. ― José Maria de Eça de Queiroz 

 27

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. ― Oscar Wilde 

 28

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have   the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much   he had learned in seven years. ― Mark Twain 

 29

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re   wrong. ― Unknown 

 30

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. ― Emo Philips 

 31

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist. ― Gena Showalter 

 32

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ― Groucho Marx

 33

 I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.        ― Rodney Dangerfield 

 34

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. ― Spike Milligan 

 35

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.           ― Rodney Dangerfield 

 36

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age   ― Lucille Ball 

 37

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. ― Steven Wright